chapter eleven

2003-07-22 @ 10:02 a.m.

Chapter Eleven

I look out the window, half-listening as Kiki goes on about how she can’t stand Matt and yelling at Tony for not telling her what he was doing to me and Rachel. We finally get to Tony’s place and I realize that it is a small bungalow. He informs us that this is where the band practices and that they have tons of instruments inside. I nod, not knowing what to say as I get out of the car and follow Tony and Kiki inside the house.

One day passes and I really want to go home, Rachel does as well, so Tony drives us both to the airport. I walk inside the airport with my head down, Kiki grabs onto my arm. We still have about two hours to kill before both Rachel and I have to get on our separate planes.

I take a seat in a chair, Rachel sits beside me and Kiki and Tony tell us that they are going to get some coffee. Rachel and I sit in silence, but something makes me look up, a familiar, yet heart-wrenching voice. It’s Matt’s voice. I watch as he whispers both Rachel’s and my name, his eyes look sad. He’s standing in front of us, his hands stuffed into the front pockets of his baggy black pants. His eyes look at Rachel first, then at me. I can tell that he still loves her, but the question is, does he love me as well? You must be thinking, ‘Matt’s a jerk, you can find someone so much better.’ But that’s not true. Like I have said so many times before, Matt was the only one who I felt truly loved me. I don’t want to forgive him, but I feel like I might if he gets down on his knees and begs for my forgiveness, or even if he says that he’s sorry and kisses me sweetly on my cheek. I know that it’s not worth it to even think that he’ll do anything of the sort. I shake my head and tune into what Matt is saying.

“Rachel…I,” Matt glances at me. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

“No,” Rachel says and folds her arms across her chest.

I know that he probably wants to talk to her about their relationship, so I get up. I look over at Rachel who gives me a confused look. Smiling at her, I pick up my bags and say goodbye to both her and Matt. I walk away from them, not bothering to turn back and look at Matt one last time. I know that it will be way too hard for me to see him with her, to see them together.

I finally find Tony and Kiki passionately making out in front of one of the washrooms. I push Kiki and she glares at me not noticing the look of sadness on my face. “What happened,” she finally asks me.

“Matt’s here and I think that he’s gonna try to convince Rachel to stay with him…or something.”

“Or something, huh,” Tony asks and laughs.

Kiki hits Tony in the arm and looks at me. I shrug, “I’m fine. I just wanna get onto the plane and go home.” Kiki nods and tells Tony to go look for his cousin before leading me in the other direction towards my gate. I give her a brief hug, telling her goodbye as I make my way through the metal detectors and to another waiting area. It’s as if I am void of all emotion as I silently wait for the intercom to come on and tell certain sections to board the plane. The worst part of this all is that I know that I will never talk to Matt again. If he tries to make any kind of contact with me, I won’t have it. I can feel a lump in my throat. I sniff slightly and sigh, trying to keep my mind off of Matt.

I am finally back in Toronto. Tons of tears have been shed on the plane. I didn’t even bother hiding it from people, I just let the tears fall freely down my scarred face.

I open my apartment door and step inside, closing the door behind me and sliding down against it and onto the cold floor.

[[___One Month Later___]]

I quit my job at Roscoe Park. Well, my boss said that he was forced to fire me. I guess they don’t look too kindly on people who don’t show up for work due to a broken heart. Kiki decided to move to Chicago and live with Tony, she still calls me once in a while. She told me that Matt and Rachel are back together and that Rachel is planning on moving in with Matt. I still feel depressed about the whole situation, but I’ll live.

So, that's it. It's over. The first guy who ever loved me, cheated on me behind my back, lied to me to my face and left me heartbroken. I let my shield down when I met Matt Lovato, and he hurt me in so many ways, but it taught me a lesson. I will never put my guard down again when it comes to guys. And I guess that means that I will be living alone. I will end up being a bitter, old hag. Well, I suppose it's true what some people say, 'it's better to have loved and lost than to never loved at all.' I think I'll live by that now. I fell in love with Matt Lovato, but at least I knew what it felt like to be loved even if it might have all been a lie. I know that no one else will look past my scars, I won't let them. Being hurt is no fun at all. I have realized something, it's always the pretty girls that get the guys and fall in love. The ugly girls with no self-esteem will be stuck on the sidelines forever. That's me, the girl who is destined to be alone forever, just because of my scars. And here is where my story comes to an end. I didn't get the guy; we aren't even friends anymore. I'm basically alone, no job, no friends since Kiki moved to Chicago, no life. I would make this an even sadder ending and say that tonight I will end my life, but that would be even dumber than letting my guard down when it came to love. I will strive on and try to find a job, and when I become old, I'll yell at kids who are holding hands and make everyone's life a living hell. Yes, I will keep living my lonely days being as bitter as I can.